Where I Stood
by sdbubbles
Summary: This is about about how Cuddy felt about her break up with House and House's recent behaviour. Song-fic to Missy Higgins' 'Where I Stood.'


**A/N: I've noticed that a lot of people think that Cuddy was the bad guy at the end of 'Bombshells,' but I wanted to say something: when someone close to you is an addict, it takes so much strngtth to save yourself and do what is best for you. My father is an alcoholic, and not a very good father, and it took so much for me to say, "Enough is enough."**

**The song is 'Where I Stood,' by Missy Higgins. This is my first House fic, so please don't shoot me!**

**Sarah x**

* * *

><p><em>I don't know what I've done<br>Or if I like what I've begun  
>But something told me to run<br>And honey, you know me  
>It's all, or none<br>There were sounds in my head  
>A little voice is whispering<br>That I should go, and this should end  
>But then I found myself listening <em>

What had she gotten into? How could she have forgotten he was an addict? Nobody else forgot, except Masters. She'd only just found out, though. Cuddy didn't like where the end of this relationship had taken her. She felt so guilty for leaving him for taking Vicodin. Now, he was playing on that guilt. Getting one of those stupid Segway things to go around the hospital with? And she let him because she believed it was her fault he was doing stupid things. His sham wedding, for example.

But she had to go. Her head told her to run from him though her heart desperately wanted to stay and keep him off the drugs from then on. But she couldn't have Rachel in a place of inconsistency. It wasn't healthy for her. Inconsistency might sometimes be exciting, but she knew it was damaging, both for herself and her daughter.

So, Lisa Cuddy was going to listen to her head, no matter how much she wanted to listen to what her heart was trying to tell her.

'_Cause I don't know, who I am, who I am without you  
>All I know is that I should<br>And I don't know if I could stand, another hand upon you  
>All I know is that I should<br>'Cause she will love you more than I could  
>She who dares to stand where I stood <em>

She really was lost without House. He held her together, though he seemed to make her unhappy. He healed her faster than any medication and refused to let her give up on something he knew she could do. She didn't know who she was anymore. The only thing she _did_ know was that she was an adult who should be able to stand on her own.

The reason she had left the wedding in tears was that it hurt to watch House marry someone else, even if it meant nothing but an American passport for the girl. That was why Wilson had walked in on her crying. He was no longer her boyfriend, and she had no right to claim him from anyone else, but it was killing her to watch him marry someone else.

She wondered if he would ever find another woman willing to put up with his crap. If he did, that woman must love him more than she did. The woman who had the courage to replace her would have to love him so much more than Cuddy ever could. Or did she do the right thing by giving him a reason to stay off Vicodin?

_See I thought love was black and white  
>That it was wrong, or it was right<br>But you ain't leaving without a fight  
><em>_And I think I am just as torn inside_

She'd been naïve to believe that their relationship would be simple. It wasn't wrong or right. It was kind of both. It was wrong for her to forget that he could relapse at any time. She was wrong to forget that addicts usually fall back in times of stress. But it felt so right. It was right because she loved him so much. It was right because the only person she loved more was Rachel. It was right because they really did need each other.

He wasn't going to let her forget what she'd thrown away. He would fight for her. She knew him well enough to understand why he took the pills in the first place. He was falling apart inside, and she was equally shattered. He just didn't let it show the way she did. He dealt with it by being a reckless ass, while she cried at home and clung desperately to the one thing she had left: Rachel.

_'Cause I don't know, who I am, who I am without you  
>All I know is that I should<br>And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you  
>All I know is that I should<br>'Cause she will love you more than I could  
>She who dares to stand where I stood <em>

Lisa Cuddy just wasn't her usual sharp, cheeky, witty self without House in her life. She didn't know where she belonged anymore. The one thing that was clear to her was that she ought to see her path forward. She just couldn't see, though she tried so hard.

She wasn't sure that she could bear to see him and his 'wife' together again. She knew why they married and the emptiness of it, but it was still another woman laying hands on him, kissing him. And she was well aware that she had no claim to him, but it didn't change how she felt about it.

But when he settled down, she hoped that the woman who had it in her to stand in her place would love him even more than she could. That she would give him all she had, rather than give up on him the way Cuddy did. But Cuddy hadn't really given up. She still hoped that this would be an incentive for him to stay away from drugs.

_And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call  
>You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all<br>But you taught me how to trust myself  
>And so I say to you...<br>This is what I have to do_

She would always be there if he needed her. If he needed a friend, she would do her utmost for him. She would put her feelings aside and do what was best for him. And if he ever got off drugs again, and wanted to make another go of it, she would welcome that with open arms. However, she refused to subject herself and her child to the pain his Vicodin abuse could cause.

He meant everything to her. It was like stripping away her soul to break up with him. She so wanted to stay and help him, but she was scared. Scared of how easily he had turned to his painkillers. She loved him more that anyone else she had been with. More than Lucas, more any boyfriend she'd ever had.

He taught her that her instinct can be trusted and that she should follow it. So that was ultimately why she left him: she trusted her judgement to guide her to do what was best for her and her baby girl. That was why she had to leave. She just had to protect herself.

'_Cause I don't know, who I am, who I am without you  
>All I know is that I should<br>And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you  
>All I know is that I should<br>'Cause she will love you more than I could  
>She who dares to stand where I stood<br>She who dares to stand where I stood_

She didn't know what the hell she was doing now. She knew she had Rachel to think of, but when it came to herself…she was clueless with out him. Even though she was a grown woman and the head of an entire hospital who should know what she was doing.

She hated watching him marry someone, but she knew she could do absolutely nothing about it. She had to leave him alone. She had to keep away from him. That was what was best for everyone involved.

She hoped he would find someone who loved him enough to put up with him. She hoped he would find the woman who dared to stand where Lisa Cuddy stood.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope it was OK!<strong>

**Please review!**

**Sarah x**


End file.
